you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
