Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
