Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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