you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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