I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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