I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
