Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
