He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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