i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize