you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
