Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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