You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
