I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
NoShamevember. You game?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
