Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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