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we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
