the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
