Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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