i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
