i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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