Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
