The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
