he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
