If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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