Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Rumble strips road head = magical
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
