i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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