I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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