how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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