bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
