You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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