in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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