K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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