found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
