i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
