Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
