dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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