my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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