I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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