don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
