My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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