First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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