Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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