Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
