I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
