yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
