apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
