omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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