Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
