Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
