ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
