i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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