i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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