Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
